WEDNESDAY 14 MAY: The Year of the Dog

WEDNESDAY 14 MAY: The Year of the Dog
Day rating: 8/10

Why such a good day? Minimal encounters with the Grinch, and romance. Aside from that, study slogging sucks and definitely going to fail everything on Friday. But right now, too tired and over life to care!

One thing you can be certain of on campus (besides anorexic girls from ‘maritzburg, and rain) is that sometime in your illustrious varsity/college career, you will encounter a dog. No, not the friendly, four-legged, tail-wagging kind – I’m talking about the guy who wrings his fun out of life by making out with and sleeping with as many girls as is humanly possible, and breaking the hearts of most if not all of his conquests.

The dog, much like his animal namesake, comes in several breeds. The most prominently noticeable is the Jock. Now, to be clear, not all jocks are dogs. But a certain type of dog disguises himself as a jock. The Jock is your quintessential manly man: he plays rugby, water polo and other manly sports, he wears Lacoste golf shirts, baggy three-quarters and Guess sweaters, he gyms continuously and if not on steroids, is at least a regular consumer of creatine and protein shakes.

He is ruggedly good looking and usually quite loud and vulgar, and can be heard a mile off conversing loudly with his “boys” in “jock-speak”, for example: “yaaaasis bru, I got so wasted last night! Got home and I was chundering everywhere bru, my folks were so bleak, I passed out six-love, but I woke up this morning and felt hundreds.”

The Jock also has a string of female admirers – he may have a girlfriend, but will cheat on her regularly and sadly, she often accepts this as her fate. He completely objectifies women and considers them interchangeable at best. His masculine good looks, deliciously ripped body and sports prowess unfortunately mean that he has a never-ending supply of smitten ladies trailing in his wake for him to seduce, use and throw away.

Then there’s the Smooth dog. This guy could charm the pants off Ellen DeGeneres. He knows exactly what to say, and when to say it. He seems to know every woman’s idea of a perfect date and will take you to watch beautiful beach sunsets followed by sundowners, sushi and cocktails; he will bring you flowers (and not those crappy ones they sell at Spar, a proper bunch of roses) and he will bring your mother flowers, he’s educated and stylish but definitely masculine and he showers you with attention – until he gets tired of you, that is.

Suddenly, he doesn’t sms, he doesn’t call and he doesn’t reply to any attempt to contact him. You cant seem to find him on campus and are beginning to wonder if alien abductions are real, when you spot him, wrapped around a gorgeous blonde who seems to be holding… no…. yes! A BUNCH OF ROSES. Your only consolation is that she, too, will be replaced in a week or so.

The Chameleon might sound more reptile than dog (which is not far off) but don’t be fooled – he’s the sneaky one. This guy flies so far under the radar it would take a frigid SS Gestapo fraulein to even come close to spotting him. He’s good-looking in an unassuming, scruffy (adorable) way and to outsiders, appears to think he has no game at all. He doesn’t flirt, and is self-effacing, allowing you to do all the flattering and accepting complements with a shy, VERY sexy smile.

He seems amazed that you even notice him. He will protest his uselessness right up until the point where you make out (or whatever else happens) and then, once he’s had enough of you, will drop you like a ton of bricks and in about 3 hours, all of campus will know how awesome you think he is, the nature and content of every complement you ever paid him, how you assured him multiple times that he’s devastatingly hot, and that he just dumped you for someone else. Bastard.

The Politician is probably the biggest asshole of them all. This guy is arrogant and completely obsessed with power. He’s much like the Smooth dog in that he’s a real charmer, but whereas the Smooth dog’s world revolves around himself, the Politician is all about climbing the success ladder. This guy only targets women who can advantage him or his career; if you’re a somebody on the varsity newspaper editorial staff, or are involved in the students council or student political parties, beware.

Although not your conventional hottie, he is good-looking, but what really sells him is his self-assurance and the air of confidence he projects. He sometimes dates random women for their trophy status, but this never lasts, and he mostly targets girls he thinks will get him somewhere, or who need to be gotten out of the way. Either way, once he has what he wants or your reputation is history, so is he.

Finally, there is the most dangerous dog of all. The Swiss Army dog. He is so named, because much like those Swiss army pocket knives everyone had about 10 years ago, he has a combination of skills that allow him to do anything and everything. He is a mixture of the best parts of all types of dog, and as such, is the most dangerous of them all.

The Swiss is very difficult to spot, not only because he often uses the self-effacing “I don’t really have game” tactics of the Chameleon, but also because he doesn’t completely conform to any of the known dog types. He is all of them and none of them at the same time. He is enough of a jock to attract any woman with hormones, but not offensively masculine – chances are, he plays for the second, or even third rugby side. He is ruthlessly efficient, combining the Smooth dog’s cunning and charm with the jock’s masculine arrogance, the Politician’s confidence and the Chameleon’s “I don’t really have game” attitude in exactly the right mixture – he’s irresistible.

Unlike the Jock, who is discernible by his complete lack of academic concern (read: intelligence), the Swiss usually studies a moderately difficult course – BA politics, economics and philosophy, or a Bcom degree are good indicators. Chances are he’s well known around campus for his involvement in a society and/or sport, and is moderately well-read. He seems to know exactly what you want, but unlike the Smooth dog, he messes up sometimes – but never too seriously, and he’s always so apologetic that you can’t stay angry for long.

His one downfall is John Tucker syndrome, something that many dogs develop as a result of becoming too confident in their super-seduction abilities. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie I’ll make this quick and painless: a dog suffering from John Tucker syndrome has the belief that he can juggle several girlfriends at once.

This often works for a short period of time, but he inevitably trips up somewhere, and winds up alone. Sadly, the Swiss dog is increasingly developing the ability to bounce back from such a disaster – he finds women who feel sorry for him, and pretends to turn over a new leaf. Little do they realize that the Swiss dog thinks only of himself, and is completely incapable of seeing a woman as anything other than a piece of meat.

By now, you’re probably wondering if I’ve ever been taken in by a dog. Honestly, yes, I have. I was targeted by a Swiss dog not too long ago, and if I hadn’t recognized him just in time, would have had my heart shattered. Luckily, thanks to his amazing guide I saw him for what he was – I recognized his Chameleon tactics and even though (thanks to the influence of one too many double cane-and-cream sodas) things got hairy, I managed to keep it all in perspective. And completely flatten his ego the next day when he tried to exert his evil dog-influence over me and get some action. He’s still waiting for me to get back to him, and you know what? Its never gonna happen. I can’t say I’ve vanquished him, or that he even cares about me in the face of the overwhelming female interest he receives, but my dignity and pride are still 100% intact. In fact, some people have suggested that I used him. It’s a nice thought.

Wait……… what does that make me?!