* disclaimer: this is a rather nasty article. The views expressed in this article are probably not fit for human consumption. The author, however, does not give a shit. Limitedtimeonlywhilestockslastbatteriesnotincluded.
Oh yes you DO need the right moves. What am I on about, you may ask? The mating rituals of the university/college student. Much speculated on, at last, some of the intrinsic inner workings of this intricate and little-documented courtship process are revealed, in a revolutionary study conducted from the deepest reaches of Tiger Tiger, UCT, Springboks, Tin Roof (yuck) and College House residence.
First of all, there are many different species of student and by proxy, many different criteria for selecting a mate. The student pecking order is largely determined by good looks, a fashionable wardrobe, a large bank balance, flashy car, and outgoing personality. In other words, students are much like those stupid but brightly coloured birds in the Amazon rain forest that attract potential mates by being colourful, showing off, and making a lot of noise.
The loudest and best-looking student therefore has the best selection of potential mates. There are many different displays that students engage in so as to attract potential mates:
Female students will often wear clothing that reveals their best assets, and cover their faces in colourful shades (called "make-up") to hide blemishes and accentuate their features. They also engage in "flirting" to attract the attention of a male, and seductive dance moves often play a large role. An intoxicated female student may even go so far as to engage in mating behaviour with other female students on and off the dance-floor, presumably to indicate to male students that she is so desirable even other female students are interested.
Male students, on the other hand, are far less subtle. They openly display their dominance and strength, usually by lifting heavy things, participating in sports such as rugby, and by physically abusing lesser male students. The most common mating ritual displayed by male students however, is what is known in naturalistic circles as "buying drinks". This involves the male student purchasing alcohol for the female student until she is intoxicated enough to mate with him. This is by far the most successful and widely deployed tactic.
It is important to note that the vast majority of students do not mate for life. In fact, some may choose a number of different mates in a single night. Or, multiple mates at the same time. This depends largely on the species of student. Some students do indeed attempt to mate for life, but this is actually an unusual evolutionary form of opportunism, as the student in question realizes that if he/she does not hang onto their mate, the chance to procreate might never come around again. This is most common in student sub-species from the Mathematics, Science and Geology faculties.
Students realise instinctively that their lifespan is a short but eventful one, lasting at the very most, four to five years. Therefore, students have a reproductive drive second perhaps only to the common rabbit. (Sylvilagus floridanus)This causes students not only to take multiple mates, but sometimes, (particularly in male students) to attempt to procreate by themselves. This behaviour is noted most regularly in students who are unable to find mates (i.e. students who are socially inept, cannot dance, have no fashion sense, or are just plain ugly.)
The actual reproduction of the student is cause for much speculation. There do not seem to be any discernible results (largely due to a substance known as the "morning after pill", something usually consumed by female students after mating) and most students cannot in fact themselves remember what actually happened. Thus, even further intensive study will need to be undergone in order to more fully investigate this aspect of student relationships.
However, as students are becoming ever more secretive about their mating habits, utilizing cleverly hidden places such as their roommates' beds, bathrooms in clubs, publicly parked cars and other clandestine locations, we shall probably never know the truth.
