30 SEPTEMBER - Walking the Line

Why is it okay for guys to do some things, but not for the ladies? And no, I’ not referring to peeing standing up, playing rugby or saying c**t. (see? I just CAN’T say it!) I’m talking about simple things. Like making out with or sleeping with a couple of people. If a guy does it, he’s Captain Awesome. At the very worst, he gets a rep as “a bit of a dog” after he had two separate threesomes between 1 and 5am on Saturday after the ruggas… If a girl even KISSES too many guys in one night she’s a slut. Which translates into “cheap stupid girl crawling with AIDS and other nasty STDs who’s probably had at least three abortions this week and is thus okay to use and throw away cos she has no feelings at all and is just a piece of meat in a minidress”.

Mind you, some slutty girls are exactly that. But kissing four guys in one club after four tequilas on an empty stomach does not make you a slut in the abovementioned sense. Neither does having slept with a few guys in your lifetime of 20-0dd years. However… the boys will tell you differently. When they behave badly, they’re just being boys. When a girl does it, she’s a slut, a ho and out of control.

On the flip side, if a girl behaves well, dresses a little more to the conservative side and will never, EVER be seen dancing on a table at Bokke, or smooching a random at Tiger, she’s boring. Guys don’t want to know her at all. Lame, clearly a total cockblocking bitch. No fun.

So where do girls get off? We have to walk a really, really thin line.

How to understand this phenomenon? Well, being at varsity, I thought I’d ask someone who studies anthropology, i.e. people. BAD, BAD idea. I wind up with someone who DEFINITELY fits the above description (glasses, looooong peasant skirt that was fashionable for over-40’s five years ago, greasy hair) who launched into a speech so long and boring, I was praying for someone to paint a wall so I could watch it dry. However, in between wondering if I should just throw myself off the balcony in Leslie Social, watching the epic battle going on in her mouth (about 6000 teeth, fighting like Spartans to get in front of each other) and checking my makeup in those ultra-thick reflective specs, I did glean a certain gem of knowledge.

Apparently, guys can behave like animals but girls can’t because it’s hardwired into our DNA. Excuse me? Yep, when we were cave-people back in the day, guys evolved into animals to ensure they spaded as many cave-ladies as possible, to ensure the survival of the species, and girls were programmed to chill and stay home, not get eaten by a saber-toothed tiger for 9 months and then raise a kid, ensuring the survival of the species. Ohhhhhkay. So why is this still applicable? Right, DNA. (Dodging flecks of spit which were flying like catapult ammo from out of the Tooth War) But if we’re smart enough to have figured out that it’s a genetic thing that applied like, 50000000 years ago then why are we still bothered?

No, I’m not going to launch into some hairy-legged feminist burn-your-bra rant about how men are manipulating the entire world to suit them and pushing womenkind down, blah blah blah. The abovementioned bra is from La Senza, and aside from my cardio-pulmonary organs, is the most precious thing I own. However, it does bear some thinking about… so here’s my submission:

Dear men, guys, boitchos, brus and okes

Even though you are all very awesome and smart and hot and to DIE for sexy in your grubby jocks and Super 14 rugga jerseys with beer stains, we think you should know something that, in your important and complicated lives, might have slipped your attention just a little bit. You like us looking sexy, yes? And being naughty and giving you action, yes? Well…. It might be best if you stopped calling us sluts for minor misdemeanors. Cos calling us sluts just makes us really unlikely to have that threesome with you and your team mate ever again! Because if you call girls sluts, the whole world hates us for no reason and without needing any proof at all since they “heard it somewhere”. And that means we all have to “change” and start acting like boring girls which means that you won’t like us anymore. And eventually, there will be no bad girls left at all except the really siff ones who DO have AIDS. And the Clap. So please, awesome, wonderful boys, think about yourselves here and make some changes regarding how you speak about us and why!

We love you always!! Mwah mwah mwah! x’s and o’s!!

The Girls

MONDAY 8 SEPTEMBER - In or Out?

In or out? No, I’m not talking cricket here, that’s just too depressing right now if you come from SA. I’m talking about the social setup at varsity. Because, to be perfectly honest (and grammatically incorrect at the same time) there are cool and uncool people all over the world, but nowhere is the divide more blurred than at varsity, or more clear, depending on which side of the fence you stand.

I’m a big fan of fitting in on your own terms. I’ll just never understand people who willingly shoot themselves in the foot just to be “original” and “non-conformist”. Why on earth would you want to make yourself completely unattractive to the opposite sex and the world at large, just to prove a point? Examples include emo kids (who do, granted, sometimes find and make out with their own kind, but how much fun can that be?!), morons who die their hair in different colours, grow dreadlocks for no specific cultural reason, pierce their face so many times they attract small magnets or my personal pet hate, those weird environmental science/biology students who walk around in shapeless clothes and ugly trainers/hiking boots (or God forbid, sometimes barefoot) with unkempt hair and a ratty old backpack.

I weep for those kids. Some of them, with a hair cut, wardrobe change and some makeup would actually be quite attractive. So why punish yourself like that? None of those people can possibly walk past a mirror in the morning and go “wow I look good today”. Ever. Do they even own mirrors? I wonder. I just can’t understand what the point is of making so much effort to not fit in. People mock you. Nobody really likes you. Girls like me sit on Jammie stairs in small groups applying lip-gloss and laughing at you. I just don’t see the benefit! How can you look like that and feel good about yourself?

I’m not saying that everybody should be a mindless zombie and fanatically follow fashion magazines and buy a new outfit every other day… but you can be yourself without looking like Jane Goodall in the middle of Darkest Africa! What irks me the most is that we normal people are actually looked down on by these freaks. They chastise us in their sad little lunchtime groups and on their sad, vegetarian anti-consumerist blogs for being mindless trend-followers with no personality or brains.

Give me a break. We’re the people who fit in. It’s an essentially human trait to want to belong, to desire to fit in – don’t tell me that these ugly, nerdy people don’t feel that somewhere deep down. But no, they say, we are the ones who deserve pity for not being able to see further than the next YDE sale. But how unfair is it for these so-called free spirits to generalize about us?

I wasn’t the only popular, normal person who sacrificed an entire weekend to attend a seminar on social justice and the law. I know rugby and water polo jocks who are well read and study business degrees, the girls I discuss Cosmo magazine and knock back appletinis with are the same girls with whom I discuss politics and Constitutional law… my best mate is a trend-following, fashionable and popular guy who is also the most knowledgeable, most widely read and most intelligent guy I know… I’m not saying that some of the cool kids aren’t as dumb as bricks (sorry Jordan, Simone and Craig) but it’s unfair and narrow-minded to equate stylishness, hotness and popularity with being stupid and shallow. In fact, it’s [pretty stupid and shallow to make an assumption like that. Which makes those people stupid, shallow AND ugly. Oh snap!

There’s a pecking order in this world, and lets face it, hot people who are liked by other people are at the top of it. If a fairy godmother appeared out of nowhere and offered to turn you into either half of Brangelina, you’re not going to say no, are you? Everybody wants to be attractive, popular and successful, as well as achieving meaning in their lives. To some people, being attractive, popular and successful IS the meaning in their lives. Me, I’m happy finding meaning in finishing a law degree and one day pursuing social justice through litigation for the underprivileged. But I also enjoy liking what I see when I look in the mirror, having friends and hitting clubs to get drunk and make out with other hot drunk people.

If that makes me a sheep… well at least I’m a socially accepted, good looking sheep. I don’t suffer from an inferiority complex or pangs of jealousy which make me say hateful things about hot, normal people. In, or out? Whether you admit it, or hide behind your siff badly dyed hair and non-conformist attitude, you know you want to be in.