TUESDAY 12 AUGUST: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

I have just finished watching the first episode of the latest series of Survivor. And I think that I have a suggestion for the next season, seeing as they seem to be running out of locations for survivor (there are only so many tropical islands left in the world, although I think North Korea should be seriously considered) they should host a Survivor: UCT.

I mean, surviving at varsity is no joke. Especially UCT. If I was Mark Burnett, this is how I’d do it:

DAY 1: 19 castaways are dropped on middle campus at 08:00. The Cafeteria, with its life-giving supply of coffee and croissants is closed due to a COSATU strike!! (Cue dramatic music) Participants have no umbrellas, are dressed for only one climate and have fashionable, yet uncomfortable shoes. The first reward challenge will begin as the participants arrive – the challenge will be for them to actually find the registration office and get helped before closing time. The winners get a student card (impossible to survive without) and some croissants and coffee.
The losers (at least 16 of the original 19 castaways) will have to endure the arduous climb up Jammie stairs to the CPS office on upper campus to secure a student card for R60.

The winners get to catch a Jammie to upper campus. All castaways meet on Jammie plaza at 5pm to be divided into two tribes. One tribe has to make camp near the South Side Jammie stop and the Centlivres building, and the other on the opposite side of campus, near RW James. Both campsites are (thankfully) located near Jammie stops.

DAY 2: Being at UCT, our castaways are by now either overheating or freezing because the weather constantly changes with absolutely no relation to the actual season, time of year, time of day or surrounding weather conditions.

Our castaways have to fight off ravenous birds in an attempt to eat their burgers from the Chicken Burger Man in peace, and scavenge half-broken umbrellas from the bins on campus to shelter from the bucketing rain. Hare Krishnas roam the campus freely, draining people’s time, energy and will to live with their constant pamphlet-delivering and tenacious speech-making. Things are looking grim. Luckily, those castaways who explore will discover the Awesome Shop Under the Library, which sells everything a student could ever want – stationery, tissues, plasters, clothing, calculators, jewelry, flash drives and more….

Challenges are numerous and will include things like:

• Having to find parking for an 8am lecture less than 30min walk away from campus.


• Finding a working soap dispenser in a ladies’ bathroom.


• Navigating across Jammie plaza to make it to a lecture on Thursday at Meridian. (virtually impossible)


• Attempting to eat res food without throwing up/dying of food poisoning (more like Fear Factor, I know)


• Registering for all the correct courses and de-registering from the courses you are mysteriously wrongly registered for in one week.


• Finding a free computer in Southside/Com labs


• Finding a working printer on a Monday morning.


• Finding a specific book in the library.


• Jammie-surfing down Woolsack Drive to lower campus and returning in one piece.


• Finding space on a notice-board to actually put up a varsity-related notice among all the ads.


• Finding a condom in the Geology Department.


• Crossing the road through middle campus.


• Keeping a res room tidy.


• Doing the climb from middle to upper campus in the rain.

Eventually, we will be left with one sole survivor who will win a million rand….. Naaaat! Nobody could actually do all that. But it would be fun to watch them trying. Will submit this off to Mr. Burnett tomorrow... watch this space!

MONDAY 4 AUGUST: Strike a Pose

More annoying than Tom Cruise. More insidious than the psychopathic Hare Krishna pamphlet distributors on Upper Campus (see previous post). And about as hard to miss as a Gay Pride parade on Adderley Street. What am I referring to, you ask? Posers.

You just can’t escape them – people who try to camouflage themselves in the fabric of campus society, more or less successfully, depending on their skills and the amount of research they are prepared to undertake.

You see, posers are not cool people. They only try to be. If they really were cool, they wouldn’t be trying so damn hard. However, not content to be catfish people (see “Its Crunch time – bring your A-game”) they insist on trying to integrate themselves into campus life, making friends and even trying to score. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that they’re trying just a little too hard.

There are a few different types of poser. The most rare, most difficult to identify and annoying is the Amoeba. The Amoeba has no personality. None whatsoever. The Amoeba’s defining characteristic therefore, is their apparent ability to morph into whichever type of person they think the situation demands. If they are with jocks, they will pretend to be sporty. If they’re trying to fit in with the studious crowd, they’ll act like a nerd…

However, the Amoeba’s success depends on their people skills, (which are usually sorely lacking or they wouldn’t have to be posers in the first place!) and so, they often get it wrong. I had the cringe-worthy experience of watching my socially inept ex-flat mate (The Grinch) trying to act like a skanky girl to fit in with what she thought my girl-friends were like. Fail! The Amoeba’s other failing is the fact that people inevitably get to know them. You can’t manifest multiple personalities and expect people not to notice. So thankfully, Amoebas often get busted before they’ve annoyed too many people.

Then you have the Dirty Harry, or DH. Probably the most annoying poser of all. Done it? The DH has done it five times. Gone bungee jumping? The DH jumped off that same bridge without safety ropes when they were four years old. Twice. Had an awesome vacation? The DH had a better one. Hunting wolverines with his uncle. In Alaska. With a frikken’ 12 gauge! Gosh! You get the picture.

The DH is usually male, and insists on insinuating themselves into every conversation within hearing range, trying to sound as awesome, experienced and worldly-wise as possible. Thankfully, the DH is usually pretty obnoxious and sooner rather than later, somebody will snap and tell them (not so politely) to go and play in the traffic. Or, they will eventually stoke their claims up to something so ridiculous they expose themselves to everyone. Bonus free laugh.

The Re-Hash is usually someone who comes from somewhere far away, and has no previous acquaintances on campus. This poser was quite obviously a huge nerd in high school, because they spend all their time talking about how popular and awesome they were back in Calitzdorp High. So much so that you wonder how one single person managed to captain every first team sport, get 8 A’s in matric, be elected Head and Deputy Head student, Valedictorian, most popular student and sleep with his English teacher who was a biological clone of Joanna Krupa.

That’s because he didn’t.

Thankfully, due to facebook, most Re-Hashers get busted before they can do too much damage. Anyway, there’s no way someone with acne and thick bifocals banged their English teacher if he/she was that hot…

Yes, posers come in all shapes and sizes… however, I think that at the end of the day, you have to brush it off and have a laugh. Its just another colourful aspect of varsity life.