I have often stated, in previous posts, that the true definition of the word “student” is very different from what many people think. Some people still labour under the misconception that students go to varsity in order to study and learn things. This, I assure you, is almost never the case. However, to clarify what exactly a student is, perhaps the best way would be to tell the Ancient Legend of Student. This is the story of Student creation, which described how students actually came to be. And so it begins:
Long, Long ago, when the awesomeness that is UCT was still a distant dream, God saw that there was need in the world for learning. Man was a good and noble creation, but all he ever did was kill and eat animals, brew alcohol on which to get utterly wasted, and in this drunken state, fight with other men and procreate. Man lived in caves and walked everywhere he needed to go. Entertainment consisted of bashing things with a club. Women had leg hair. And so on.
God, imagining things like Ferraris, PVR, the IRB Rugby World Cup, highlights, electro, drugs, potato chips, HDTV, lingerie, Nandos, cane, Scrubs and MTV, decided that it was time to introduce man to something new: education.
So God went up to a young oke much like you and me, and said “I name thee STUDENT” in His big impressive, echoey God-voice. And Student looked up, and, with a gesture that would become the trademark of all students for millions of years to come, knotted his brows, scratched his head and with a puzzled expression on his face, said: “Huh?” And God smiled fondly down on him. Already, His new creation was beginning to take shape.
God took Student by the hand, and began explaining to Student the multitude of wonders that He had in store for the world. Student, incredibly excited, asked how he could come by all these things. And God said unto Student that he would have to follow a number of Commandments. Student rebelled against this attempt to tell him what to do, until God pointed out that life without rugby and cane was gay, and Student decided that perhaps the Big Man was on to something.
God said unto student that first, he would have to leave home and enter into a place of learning. Student got very bleak about this learning place thing, until God explained unto Student that this business of calling it an “institution of learning” for “tertiary education” was really just to give Student’s parents a false sense of security because they would not pay money for Student to travel away from home, get drunk most nights and spade hot girls if they knew that this was the idea. And Student thought that this was fully awesome.
Then God said unto Student that without a doubt, Student would spend most of his time asleep. Student would find places like Tiger that were cool on a Tuesday and Thursday, he would find places like Springboks and FTV that are awesome on Fridays and Saturdays, places that had Wednesday student nights like Bang Bang, and even Wadda, which would be open on a Monday. Student asked what about Sundays and God said that Student needed one day to rest and recover, but just in case Student was feeling particularly badass, He would create La Med and Café Caprice. And Student was very stoked.
God told Student that there would also be many activities at Varsity, like informal sports tournaments, Intervarsity and the Beer Run, where Student could spend more time getting wasted and spading hot drunk chicks. For this reason, God said, Student would have to sleep during the day, when classes were. But that this would be okay as long as Student did an easy degree and went to class every once in a while. And Student saw God’s infinite wisdom in this.
Student asked God if he should ever go to class at all. And God said that sadly, yes, Student would have to attend some classes because of DP requirements and because his parents would need some sort of reason for sending Student to Varsity, i.e. that Student gets some kind of education. And Student asked how much sleeping he would then actually be able to do during the daytime, and God said plenty, but that student would also spend time missing class for other reasons.
God told Student that in order to have clean clothes to wear on at least a few days of the week, Student would have to do laundry. And Student thought this was quite kak, but God pointed out that it would only be every 3 weeks or so, and that most clothes could be worn quite a few times over if you keep your food off them.
Then, God did something Great. He gave unto Student the Hoodie. At first, Student was confused about this new garment, but then God explained that it was the one item of clothing that never went out of fashion, could be worn over and over, looked cool and student-like and also featured a hood for protection against the sun when Student had phuza-face from the night before. And God told Student that he should have plenty of hoodies, of many colours and types, as they were indispensable. And Student saw that this was Good, and was well pleased.
God then gave unto Student a list of many other reasons to not spend his waking hours at his studies. God told Student that sometimes it would rain and he would not have an umbrella, and would thus have to skip class. God made the giant mistake of giving DC++ unto student, which resulted in Student spending endless hours downloading and watching series and movies off Varsity internet, and thus not going to classes for days at a time. God created Facebook and immediately Student saw another way to waste time interfering in the lives of other Students instead of studying. God told Student about bunking off to go the beach when the weather was nice. And about Xbox, PS3 and network games on Student’s PC, on which student would waste millions of hours of his life. And God saw that this was Good. And Student agreed.
Then, God told Student that unfortunately, res food would be crap, because He could not do everything for Student. And Student was seriously miffed, until God pointed out that near every Varsity in the world there would be a strip of fast food restaurants like Steers, Nandos, Mc Donalds, Wimpy and St Elmos. Also, God created the Chicken Burger Man to sell awesome chicken burgers on UCT upper campus. And numerous, numerous coffee outlets all over campus. So Student would not have to risk food poisoning at every meal. And Student thought this was Rad, and was less miffed.
Student then asked God if there were any fringe benefits to going out and getting drunk all the time. And God said unto Student, with a little chuckle, that yes, Student would get laid a lot. And Student was seriously amped. God told him that there would be wasted chicks lining up to go home with Student every single night in Tin Roof, and that if Student played his cards right at Intervarsity, he might even hook a threesome with some Stellies chicks. And Student was so keen, he grabbed a brew and started to drink immediately until God reminded Student to also grab some of those cheap free condoms in every faculty bathroom before he got too happy, because He might know where all those girls have been, but Student does not.
Student was now seriously freaked out, because he realized that there was no way he would spend enough time near class to get enough free condoms to spade chicks all the time, and no way that he would have enough money to buy condoms after spending all his parents’ earnings on booze and fast food and coffee, but God pointed out that Student Health and Wellness Services was cheap, nearby and completely confidential so Student’s parents need never find out that he once contracted genital herpes from a girl in a bathroom stall in Terrace.
God now adopted a somber look, and told Student that all this drinking and fast food would have a serious downside. And Student was very bleak when God told him that he would put on lank weight thanks to fresher spread, and even if he actually had the money or the energy to go to the varsity gym, that fresher spread was inevitable anyway. And now Student was actually starting to feel very over the whole thing, until God reminded him that he had hoodies under which to hide his spreading waist and new fat rolls, and that drunk girls wouldn’t notice these things anyway until Student took his hoodie off, so that should only happen under the cover of darkness. And Student felt just a little bit better.
Student now asked God if sleeping and varsity sport were the only Varsity activities Student could use to escape having to go to class. And God said no, there are lots of societies to join, too. And Student was stoked, but God said unto him that societies were not actually there to participate in. God explained that Student should sign up for a few societies, but never go to any activities or meetings because that’s just gay. And Student nodded wisely, and agreed that meetings were very gay indeed.
God then said unto Student that He had a great wonder to show Student but that if Student used it wrongly, ever, for any reason, God would smite him mercilessly. And Student, wondering what could possibly be worse than DP requirements and Fresher Spread, was greatly afraid. But God told Student to suck it up and stop being a wuss. And then, showed him the Library. Student saw many, many books and was afraid again, but God said unto Student that under no circumstances ever was Student to abuse the Library by using it for educational purposes other than printing, which could be done nowhere else.
God explained that the Library was in fact a place with unlimited free wireless internet, where Student could spend all day surfing the net, Facebooking and downloading new music and series with DC++ on his laptop. Also, that this was a cool place to just chill and chat to friends. The Library, God said, was also a good place to sleep when Students’ roommates were being super noisy and annoying. And Student was eternally grateful to God for this great Gift, and would have kissed His robe if he was still able to bend that far, damn Fresher Spread.
Student couldn’t help but wonder how he, in his fat, unfit state was going to get around until second year when he could park on campus and res. And then God gave unto Student the Jammie Shuttle, a bright blue bus manned by ex NASCAR drivers used solely for transporting Student and his UCT friends around. And Student was even more stoked when he learned that Jammies were free, as long as you were willing to risk your life every time you stepped into one. But Student rated that a Jammie bus-surfing accident wasn’t any worse than alcohol poisoning, and told God that He was a kiff oke. And God agreed with Student, for once.
Finally, God unveiled the last, and greatest gift of all: Jug Night at Springboks. Where student, for a mere R40, could buy an entire jug of cane and creme soda. There was no entry fee, which guaranteed that Student could buy tons of booze, definitely find lots of hot drunk chicks to spade, and since Springboks was such a chilled venue, Student would be able to wear hoodies, take leaks against walls and chunder anywhere he pleased. And Student was reduced to tears of gratitude by this amazing gift. And God smiled indulgently down on His fat, lazy little creation and was pleased with what He saw.
And it was all good.
Long, Long ago, when the awesomeness that is UCT was still a distant dream, God saw that there was need in the world for learning. Man was a good and noble creation, but all he ever did was kill and eat animals, brew alcohol on which to get utterly wasted, and in this drunken state, fight with other men and procreate. Man lived in caves and walked everywhere he needed to go. Entertainment consisted of bashing things with a club. Women had leg hair. And so on.
God, imagining things like Ferraris, PVR, the IRB Rugby World Cup, highlights, electro, drugs, potato chips, HDTV, lingerie, Nandos, cane, Scrubs and MTV, decided that it was time to introduce man to something new: education.
So God went up to a young oke much like you and me, and said “I name thee STUDENT” in His big impressive, echoey God-voice. And Student looked up, and, with a gesture that would become the trademark of all students for millions of years to come, knotted his brows, scratched his head and with a puzzled expression on his face, said: “Huh?” And God smiled fondly down on him. Already, His new creation was beginning to take shape.
God took Student by the hand, and began explaining to Student the multitude of wonders that He had in store for the world. Student, incredibly excited, asked how he could come by all these things. And God said unto Student that he would have to follow a number of Commandments. Student rebelled against this attempt to tell him what to do, until God pointed out that life without rugby and cane was gay, and Student decided that perhaps the Big Man was on to something.
God said unto student that first, he would have to leave home and enter into a place of learning. Student got very bleak about this learning place thing, until God explained unto Student that this business of calling it an “institution of learning” for “tertiary education” was really just to give Student’s parents a false sense of security because they would not pay money for Student to travel away from home, get drunk most nights and spade hot girls if they knew that this was the idea. And Student thought that this was fully awesome.
Then God said unto Student that without a doubt, Student would spend most of his time asleep. Student would find places like Tiger that were cool on a Tuesday and Thursday, he would find places like Springboks and FTV that are awesome on Fridays and Saturdays, places that had Wednesday student nights like Bang Bang, and even Wadda, which would be open on a Monday. Student asked what about Sundays and God said that Student needed one day to rest and recover, but just in case Student was feeling particularly badass, He would create La Med and Café Caprice. And Student was very stoked.
God told Student that there would also be many activities at Varsity, like informal sports tournaments, Intervarsity and the Beer Run, where Student could spend more time getting wasted and spading hot drunk chicks. For this reason, God said, Student would have to sleep during the day, when classes were. But that this would be okay as long as Student did an easy degree and went to class every once in a while. And Student saw God’s infinite wisdom in this.
Student asked God if he should ever go to class at all. And God said that sadly, yes, Student would have to attend some classes because of DP requirements and because his parents would need some sort of reason for sending Student to Varsity, i.e. that Student gets some kind of education. And Student asked how much sleeping he would then actually be able to do during the daytime, and God said plenty, but that student would also spend time missing class for other reasons.
God told Student that in order to have clean clothes to wear on at least a few days of the week, Student would have to do laundry. And Student thought this was quite kak, but God pointed out that it would only be every 3 weeks or so, and that most clothes could be worn quite a few times over if you keep your food off them.
Then, God did something Great. He gave unto Student the Hoodie. At first, Student was confused about this new garment, but then God explained that it was the one item of clothing that never went out of fashion, could be worn over and over, looked cool and student-like and also featured a hood for protection against the sun when Student had phuza-face from the night before. And God told Student that he should have plenty of hoodies, of many colours and types, as they were indispensable. And Student saw that this was Good, and was well pleased.
God then gave unto Student a list of many other reasons to not spend his waking hours at his studies. God told Student that sometimes it would rain and he would not have an umbrella, and would thus have to skip class. God made the giant mistake of giving DC++ unto student, which resulted in Student spending endless hours downloading and watching series and movies off Varsity internet, and thus not going to classes for days at a time. God created Facebook and immediately Student saw another way to waste time interfering in the lives of other Students instead of studying. God told Student about bunking off to go the beach when the weather was nice. And about Xbox, PS3 and network games on Student’s PC, on which student would waste millions of hours of his life. And God saw that this was Good. And Student agreed.
Then, God told Student that unfortunately, res food would be crap, because He could not do everything for Student. And Student was seriously miffed, until God pointed out that near every Varsity in the world there would be a strip of fast food restaurants like Steers, Nandos, Mc Donalds, Wimpy and St Elmos. Also, God created the Chicken Burger Man to sell awesome chicken burgers on UCT upper campus. And numerous, numerous coffee outlets all over campus. So Student would not have to risk food poisoning at every meal. And Student thought this was Rad, and was less miffed.
Student then asked God if there were any fringe benefits to going out and getting drunk all the time. And God said unto Student, with a little chuckle, that yes, Student would get laid a lot. And Student was seriously amped. God told him that there would be wasted chicks lining up to go home with Student every single night in Tin Roof, and that if Student played his cards right at Intervarsity, he might even hook a threesome with some Stellies chicks. And Student was so keen, he grabbed a brew and started to drink immediately until God reminded Student to also grab some of those cheap free condoms in every faculty bathroom before he got too happy, because He might know where all those girls have been, but Student does not.
Student was now seriously freaked out, because he realized that there was no way he would spend enough time near class to get enough free condoms to spade chicks all the time, and no way that he would have enough money to buy condoms after spending all his parents’ earnings on booze and fast food and coffee, but God pointed out that Student Health and Wellness Services was cheap, nearby and completely confidential so Student’s parents need never find out that he once contracted genital herpes from a girl in a bathroom stall in Terrace.
God now adopted a somber look, and told Student that all this drinking and fast food would have a serious downside. And Student was very bleak when God told him that he would put on lank weight thanks to fresher spread, and even if he actually had the money or the energy to go to the varsity gym, that fresher spread was inevitable anyway. And now Student was actually starting to feel very over the whole thing, until God reminded him that he had hoodies under which to hide his spreading waist and new fat rolls, and that drunk girls wouldn’t notice these things anyway until Student took his hoodie off, so that should only happen under the cover of darkness. And Student felt just a little bit better.
Student now asked God if sleeping and varsity sport were the only Varsity activities Student could use to escape having to go to class. And God said no, there are lots of societies to join, too. And Student was stoked, but God said unto him that societies were not actually there to participate in. God explained that Student should sign up for a few societies, but never go to any activities or meetings because that’s just gay. And Student nodded wisely, and agreed that meetings were very gay indeed.
God then said unto Student that He had a great wonder to show Student but that if Student used it wrongly, ever, for any reason, God would smite him mercilessly. And Student, wondering what could possibly be worse than DP requirements and Fresher Spread, was greatly afraid. But God told Student to suck it up and stop being a wuss. And then, showed him the Library. Student saw many, many books and was afraid again, but God said unto Student that under no circumstances ever was Student to abuse the Library by using it for educational purposes other than printing, which could be done nowhere else.
God explained that the Library was in fact a place with unlimited free wireless internet, where Student could spend all day surfing the net, Facebooking and downloading new music and series with DC++ on his laptop. Also, that this was a cool place to just chill and chat to friends. The Library, God said, was also a good place to sleep when Students’ roommates were being super noisy and annoying. And Student was eternally grateful to God for this great Gift, and would have kissed His robe if he was still able to bend that far, damn Fresher Spread.
Student couldn’t help but wonder how he, in his fat, unfit state was going to get around until second year when he could park on campus and res. And then God gave unto Student the Jammie Shuttle, a bright blue bus manned by ex NASCAR drivers used solely for transporting Student and his UCT friends around. And Student was even more stoked when he learned that Jammies were free, as long as you were willing to risk your life every time you stepped into one. But Student rated that a Jammie bus-surfing accident wasn’t any worse than alcohol poisoning, and told God that He was a kiff oke. And God agreed with Student, for once.
Finally, God unveiled the last, and greatest gift of all: Jug Night at Springboks. Where student, for a mere R40, could buy an entire jug of cane and creme soda. There was no entry fee, which guaranteed that Student could buy tons of booze, definitely find lots of hot drunk chicks to spade, and since Springboks was such a chilled venue, Student would be able to wear hoodies, take leaks against walls and chunder anywhere he pleased. And Student was reduced to tears of gratitude by this amazing gift. And God smiled indulgently down on His fat, lazy little creation and was pleased with what He saw.
And it was all good.
1 comment:
hehehehehhee
but did god mention who finances all of this?? or did i miss that part?
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