TUESDAY 12 AUGUST: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

I have just finished watching the first episode of the latest series of Survivor. And I think that I have a suggestion for the next season, seeing as they seem to be running out of locations for survivor (there are only so many tropical islands left in the world, although I think North Korea should be seriously considered) they should host a Survivor: UCT.

I mean, surviving at varsity is no joke. Especially UCT. If I was Mark Burnett, this is how I’d do it:

DAY 1: 19 castaways are dropped on middle campus at 08:00. The Cafeteria, with its life-giving supply of coffee and croissants is closed due to a COSATU strike!! (Cue dramatic music) Participants have no umbrellas, are dressed for only one climate and have fashionable, yet uncomfortable shoes. The first reward challenge will begin as the participants arrive – the challenge will be for them to actually find the registration office and get helped before closing time. The winners get a student card (impossible to survive without) and some croissants and coffee.
The losers (at least 16 of the original 19 castaways) will have to endure the arduous climb up Jammie stairs to the CPS office on upper campus to secure a student card for R60.

The winners get to catch a Jammie to upper campus. All castaways meet on Jammie plaza at 5pm to be divided into two tribes. One tribe has to make camp near the South Side Jammie stop and the Centlivres building, and the other on the opposite side of campus, near RW James. Both campsites are (thankfully) located near Jammie stops.

DAY 2: Being at UCT, our castaways are by now either overheating or freezing because the weather constantly changes with absolutely no relation to the actual season, time of year, time of day or surrounding weather conditions.

Our castaways have to fight off ravenous birds in an attempt to eat their burgers from the Chicken Burger Man in peace, and scavenge half-broken umbrellas from the bins on campus to shelter from the bucketing rain. Hare Krishnas roam the campus freely, draining people’s time, energy and will to live with their constant pamphlet-delivering and tenacious speech-making. Things are looking grim. Luckily, those castaways who explore will discover the Awesome Shop Under the Library, which sells everything a student could ever want – stationery, tissues, plasters, clothing, calculators, jewelry, flash drives and more….

Challenges are numerous and will include things like:

• Having to find parking for an 8am lecture less than 30min walk away from campus.


• Finding a working soap dispenser in a ladies’ bathroom.


• Navigating across Jammie plaza to make it to a lecture on Thursday at Meridian. (virtually impossible)


• Attempting to eat res food without throwing up/dying of food poisoning (more like Fear Factor, I know)


• Registering for all the correct courses and de-registering from the courses you are mysteriously wrongly registered for in one week.


• Finding a free computer in Southside/Com labs


• Finding a working printer on a Monday morning.


• Finding a specific book in the library.


• Jammie-surfing down Woolsack Drive to lower campus and returning in one piece.


• Finding space on a notice-board to actually put up a varsity-related notice among all the ads.


• Finding a condom in the Geology Department.


• Crossing the road through middle campus.


• Keeping a res room tidy.


• Doing the climb from middle to upper campus in the rain.

Eventually, we will be left with one sole survivor who will win a million rand….. Naaaat! Nobody could actually do all that. But it would be fun to watch them trying. Will submit this off to Mr. Burnett tomorrow... watch this space!