A day in the life of a res student

I’m always hearing about how crap res is, how manky the showers are, how disgusting the food is, how pathetic security is, how dodgy your res mates are, how some people who should NEVER take their clothes off walk naked around the bathrooms in all their never-been-waxed, cellulite-covered glory…
So I decided to go undercover for a day at UCT and see what all the fuss was about. Masquerading as a res student is easier than it looks. While Nicki stayed at her boyfriends’ place, I took her student card and seeing as we are nearly identical (in other words, brunette and of average height), the security guard and door receptionist barely even glance at me. Okay, so I’m in. I have a room key and a student card. And… its 23H30, Thursday, bed time.

23H40: someone next door really, really, REALLY likes hip hop. Just the one song, though.

23H50: someone next door has actually played the same hip hop song, seven times (and counting) at a volume loud enough to rattle my windows.

00H05: eleven times. And counting.

00H10: I get up off the lumpy cardboard-filled mattress and thump on the wall with my fist. The music gets turned down. I return to bed. Except now that the music is no longer assaulting my eardrums, I can hear the thuds and booms of what must be Heroes (how many people sound like Hayden Panettiere in a panic?) playing somewhere upstairs. I now understand why so many res students are chronic alcoholics.

05H00: Something, somewhere is ringing. Loudly!! Siren. Fire drill. Fuck this. Its 5AM in the MORNING. I hide out, as instructed by Nicki, because the wardens might recognize that I am not in fact the real resident of 104. Funnily enough, nobody bothers me, despite the fact that I am signed in. I wonder how many people burn to death annually in res fires?

07H20: feeling really, really tired and grumpy. I meet up with a few friends and we hit breakfast, still in our PJs. I am presented with yoghurt and some fruit. This could be a lot worse, I don’t see a problem with res food at all! I grab a lunch voucher for campus, too. So far nothing to complain about in the dining hall…. Except the people in it. There’s a girl who looks like the bowl she’s eating out of hasn't been washed since it was bought at a Tupperware party in 1997. And another one who clearly wants a protein component in her breakfast, because she’s picking flakes of dandruff out of her dirty blonde hair and eating them. I now understand why so many res students have chronic eating disorders.

07H45: Varsity time. Wait several hours for a Jammie. No Jammie. Decide that walking to middle campus will be quicker. I am passed by a Jammie halfway there. I really, really hate res right now. And I’m late for my first lecture.

14H00: done for the day. Wait 20 minutes and catch a Jammie back to res. Time to relax. I chuck myself down on the recycled wastepaper mattress and prepare to digest an entire season of Heroes. Except my neighbour needs to borrow a pen. Sure. And the person above me wants to lend a mug. Okay. And some other person possibly not even from this floor needs a pencil DESPERATELY to finish her drawings for a tutorial at 3. Fine, no problem.

16H25: I finally clear the last of the visitors out of Nicki’s room. I have an idea I will never see my stationery or that mug again. I settle down to watch Heroes, when my neighbour starts the hip hop again. A different song. Over, and over, and over…. I now understand why so many res students are suicidal.

17H30: some girls I don’t know burst into my room. Its jaboolie (informal water polo league) tonight and their boyfriends’ team is in the semi-final playoffs. They want to paint me green. I say no thanks. They insist I need a coat of green paint. I say that I’m not going to jaboolie. They think about this for about two minutes, and then paint a green heart on my face anyway, and give me a slug of vodka out of a bottle they have with them. The combination of lack of sleep and annoyance make me decide its nap time. After I pour myself a drink.

18H45: I get woken up by the hip hop neighbour for supper. Supper is…….. Well, how do I describe it? The menu says macaroni cheese. "Mush" would be unfair, because it’s pretty liquid, but it’s not quite soup either, because the macaroni (or what’s left of it) isn’t floating exactly…. It’s roughly the consistency of oats porridge. The best I can come up with is that it looks like what you’d get if someone ate macaroni cheese with a lot of tomato slices in it, and chundered, roughly four hours later. And put it on your plate. I now understand why all res students get fresher spread from constantly eating take out. I hop in a friends’ car and grab some Nandos instead.

20H00: back in res, and its shower hour. I know this because I wait for 20 minutes to get a cubicle. The bathroom smells of damp and Jeyes fluid. Now girls’ bathrooms are generally quite clean, and this one isn’t too bad for something that was obviously built sometime around 1652. There’s a bit of green mossy mould-like stuff that has clearly become resistant to industrial cleaner, but mostly the place looks good. You feel grateful for rubber flip flops, though.

20H35: I step out of the shower and there's an eclipse... no, wait, the lights have been blocked out by the most massive girl I have ever seen in my life… the fact that her legs could actually support her was nothing short of a miracle. I was expecting cracks to appear in the floor as she walked past. And that was when I noticed… oh God no. She was stark naked. Not that you could see much over all the rolls and jiggling cellulite, but it was Ms Never Been Shaved herself, that much I can tell you. I ducked for a toilet cubicle and for the briefest moment wondered if this is how Sechaba caterers get that macaroni cheese dish….

21H00: I’m so knackered that varsity homework is out of the question. Maybe I’ll go have a few drinks with some guys from College House…

01H00: stumble up stairs. Spend approximately 20 minutes opening padlock on door. Fall over laughing at myself a few times. Get into room. Pass out in clothes on lovely soft comfy bed.

04H50: I wake up with the Berlin Symphony Orchestra’s percussion section banging away in my head, and a mouth full of dirty cotton wool. I rate a toothbrush and a shower will do me wonders. I stagger down to the bathroom and notice that someone is showering, at 5am. Weird, considering it’s a Saturday. And the shower curtain is wide open… which is when I realize that it’s not just one someone, but two of them. One of whom definitely does not belong in a girl’s res. And they‘re definitely not just showering, either. I stumble to the opposite end of the bathroom and, ignoring the moans and grunts coming from the shower, content myself with just a tooth brushing, then.

08H00: I am rudely awoken by someone shouting something about breakfast. Don’t care. I shout rude things back at them and go back to sleep.

08H17: my hip hop neighbour has now moved onto the third track on her CD. Over, and over again. I consider homicide, then suicide, but decide I’m too tired for either of them. Instead, I put on Greys Anatomy S3. I now understand why res people get through so many series.
11H00: I meet Nicki outside, who is looking refreshed, showered and happy. I gladly return her keys to her, and am about to explain about the mug when she says that she has 5 more of the same mugs for exactly that reason. I rub at the flaking lime green smudge on my cheek and climb gratefully into a friend’s car.

My own bed in my own house, miles away from hip hop fans with broken stereos has never felt more like heaven.